Facts On Farts

I would like to preface today's post with two comments: first that I am one of those idiots that totally buys into the whole "new beginnings" and "turning over a new leaf" crap that is associated with the start of a new calendar year. Second, that I fart like nobody's business. I always have, and my father and brother do as well, so it must be the result of something that is buried deep within my genetic makeup. It's fine when the three of us are together, but when I'm around normal people - people who do not have sulphur-spewing aliens living in their lower intestines - it can lead to some pretty awkward situations.

So in the interest of attempting to better myself in 2009, I have recently been trying to figure out if there are any sort of environmental changes that I can introduce into my life to help me to stop farting all the damn time, and in particular I've been wondering whether any adjustments to my diet might make a difference. Naturally I turned to Google for answers, but what I found was not quite what I expected.

The reality is that there do not appear to be many helpful resources on the Internet for persistent farters such as myself. Instead, there is Facts On Farts which, while not particularly useful, is quite possibly the greatest website ever. I like this site so much that I felt compelled to create a little links section over on the right side of the blog, and I'm seriously debating using it to replace x-entertainment.com as the default home page for my web browser.


Facts on Farts is meant to be a compendium of information on the topic of flatulence, where the site's webmaster posts reader-submitted questions and attempts to answer them. Knowing so much about farting from personal experience, I can't help but want to get in on some of this action, and so I have taken a handful of questions from the site and posted them here with my very own answers. (I just want to reiterate that point: these are real questions that were taken verbatim from the greatest site on the Internet, Facts On Farts. I strongly urge everybody to check that site out.)


"Why does it take 13 to 20 seconds for a fart to smell?"

That is a strangely specific question, one that conjures the image of somebody else asking "What in God's name did you have for lunch today, and why do you keep pulling out that stopwatch?"


"Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?"

Wow, never before in the history of mankind has a fartknocker been referred to as a "talented person". I'm sorry, but this question is retarded.


"Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?"

Honestly - do you really need to ask what could be causing the brown spots in your underpants? As an aside, when I was growing up, we used to call those types of farts "stainers".


"How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?"

You use the personal pronoun "we" in this question, which I choose to believe means one of two things:

1. That you are not alone in wondering about this - that you and at least one other person that you know have pondered and discussed this, and concluded that it required further investigation on the Internet. Or,

2. That you are using "we" here to try and implicate the rest of us as fellow chronic pants-shitters.


"Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?"

Never mind the countless questions about the "later use" of farts - I would just like to point out that the posted answer to this particular question recommends using a bag instead of a jar, thereby moving this from hypothetical territory and onto my to-do list for this weekend.


"Is it possible for a fart to rip your underwear?"

I believe that the following was edited from the end of that question: "...because Lord knows that I keep trying, but all I wind up with is mysterious brown spots in my underpants."


God, I love the Internet so much. I don't even care about fixing my diet any more. Check out Facts On Farts.