Transparent Resolutions

It is always pretty obvious when a person's New Year's resolutions include trying to be nicer or friendlier to people that they find difficult - it can normally be associated with the early-January phenomenon of having people at work randomly come to my cubicle and attempt to engage me in casual conversation for no reason. I can go eleven months without exchanging more than two words to most of my coworkers - totally ignored - only to find in the days following New Years that a handful of them will suddenly start asking me about how my Christmas holidays were.

This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.

So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.

The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.

I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.