I hate it when people tell me that I have an... uh, irreverent sense of humor. And they always say it exactly like that - prefaced with a little pause and an "uh" or an "um". And instead of laughing, that is typically the response from people whenever I've said something that is totally hilarious.
Telling somebody that their humour is irreverent is pretty much the same as saying that it is obvious that they are trying to be funny, and that it is clear that they think that they're funny, but that nobody else on the planet thinks that they're even a tiny bit amusing. It's the same type of passive-aggressive bullshit "compliment" that my mother loves to make.
For example, a coworker was recently talking about how Japan has had to introduce women-only subway cars in order to deal with the issue of how two-thirds of female Japanese subway riders have reported being groped on crowded subway cars. A serious topic, but I thought I'd make a joke: "Wow, riding the subway in Japan sounds awesome!"
In the subsequent meeting with my manager and a lady from the HR department to address allegations that I'd admitted to being a depraved subway groper, I found myself reiterating over and over that I had just been trying to make a joke. And they kept responding that I had an... um, irreverent sense of humor, and that I needed to be more sensitive to others.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm not allowed to be "irreverent" at work anymore, which is total bullshit.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Drunken Friday the 13th Post
I really, really want to see the new Friday 13th movie. I normally don't go in for horror re-imaginings like this, but the TV ads look good and the posters look even better, and there are guys walking around in Jason costumes outside of the AMC theatre at Dundas Square. If it weren't for my hatred of lines and fear of large groups, I'd probably be at the late show right now.
Also, I overheard an obnoxious douche-bag that I work with saying that he couldn't be paid enough to go see that trash (in reference to the guys in the costumes promoting the film at Dundas Square, which is just down the street from my office), and that has made me want to see it all the more. It's funny how spite can be so motivational.
I'm thinking that I'll check it out after work on Monday. Tonight is all about drinking big cans of Molson and watching Cloverfield and playing Final Fantasy: Crisis Core.
Also, I overheard an obnoxious douche-bag that I work with saying that he couldn't be paid enough to go see that trash (in reference to the guys in the costumes promoting the film at Dundas Square, which is just down the street from my office), and that has made me want to see it all the more. It's funny how spite can be so motivational.
I'm thinking that I'll check it out after work on Monday. Tonight is all about drinking big cans of Molson and watching Cloverfield and playing Final Fantasy: Crisis Core.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I Got Caught Picking My Nose
I totally got caught picking my nose yesterday. I was at my desk, minding my own business, when a particularly large and crusty booger that was hiding out in an upper cavity of my right nostril started driving me completely insane. So naturally, my finger was in there about halfway to the second knuckle and I was just starting to get a good hold on the offending nugget, when my boss happened to walk right by. And I was so busted, so totally caught red-handed, that there was really no way for me to pretend that I didn't have my finger lodged nearly two knuckles deep into my nose, or even try and come up with an excuse. So I just sort of shrugged and then kept on picking away.
And that's kind of sad - this type of shit happens to me so regularly that I'm becoming completely desensitized to situations where I'm being gross. I have a feeling that my performance review is going to be pretty surreal this year.
And that's kind of sad - this type of shit happens to me so regularly that I'm becoming completely desensitized to situations where I'm being gross. I have a feeling that my performance review is going to be pretty surreal this year.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Facts On Farts
I would like to preface today's post with two comments: first that I am one of those idiots that totally buys into the whole "new beginnings" and "turning over a new leaf" crap that is associated with the start of a new calendar year. Second, that I fart like nobody's business. I always have, and my father and brother do as well, so it must be the result of something that is buried deep within my genetic makeup. It's fine when the three of us are together, but when I'm around normal people - people who do not have sulphur-spewing aliens living in their lower intestines - it can lead to some pretty awkward situations.
So in the interest of attempting to better myself in 2009, I have recently been trying to figure out if there are any sort of environmental changes that I can introduce into my life to help me to stop farting all the damn time, and in particular I've been wondering whether any adjustments to my diet might make a difference. Naturally I turned to Google for answers, but what I found was not quite what I expected.
The reality is that there do not appear to be many helpful resources on the Internet for persistent farters such as myself. Instead, there is Facts On Farts which, while not particularly useful, is quite possibly the greatest website ever. I like this site so much that I felt compelled to create a little links section over on the right side of the blog, and I'm seriously debating using it to replace x-entertainment.com as the default home page for my web browser.
Facts on Farts is meant to be a compendium of information on the topic of flatulence, where the site's webmaster posts reader-submitted questions and attempts to answer them. Knowing so much about farting from personal experience, I can't help but want to get in on some of this action, and so I have taken a handful of questions from the site and posted them here with my very own answers. (I just want to reiterate that point: these are real questions that were taken verbatim from the greatest site on the Internet, Facts On Farts. I strongly urge everybody to check that site out.)
"Why does it take 13 to 20 seconds for a fart to smell?"
That is a strangely specific question, one that conjures the image of somebody else asking "What in God's name did you have for lunch today, and why do you keep pulling out that stopwatch?"
"Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?"
Wow, never before in the history of mankind has a fartknocker been referred to as a "talented person". I'm sorry, but this question is retarded.
"Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?"
Honestly - do you really need to ask what could be causing the brown spots in your underpants? As an aside, when I was growing up, we used to call those types of farts "stainers".
"How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?"
You use the personal pronoun "we" in this question, which I choose to believe means one of two things:
1. That you are not alone in wondering about this - that you and at least one other person that you know have pondered and discussed this, and concluded that it required further investigation on the Internet. Or,
2. That you are using "we" here to try and implicate the rest of us as fellow chronic pants-shitters.
"Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?"
Never mind the countless questions about the "later use" of farts - I would just like to point out that the posted answer to this particular question recommends using a bag instead of a jar, thereby moving this from hypothetical territory and onto my to-do list for this weekend.
"Is it possible for a fart to rip your underwear?"
I believe that the following was edited from the end of that question: "...because Lord knows that I keep trying, but all I wind up with is mysterious brown spots in my underpants."
God, I love the Internet so much. I don't even care about fixing my diet any more. Check out Facts On Farts.
So in the interest of attempting to better myself in 2009, I have recently been trying to figure out if there are any sort of environmental changes that I can introduce into my life to help me to stop farting all the damn time, and in particular I've been wondering whether any adjustments to my diet might make a difference. Naturally I turned to Google for answers, but what I found was not quite what I expected.
The reality is that there do not appear to be many helpful resources on the Internet for persistent farters such as myself. Instead, there is Facts On Farts which, while not particularly useful, is quite possibly the greatest website ever. I like this site so much that I felt compelled to create a little links section over on the right side of the blog, and I'm seriously debating using it to replace x-entertainment.com as the default home page for my web browser.
Facts on Farts is meant to be a compendium of information on the topic of flatulence, where the site's webmaster posts reader-submitted questions and attempts to answer them. Knowing so much about farting from personal experience, I can't help but want to get in on some of this action, and so I have taken a handful of questions from the site and posted them here with my very own answers. (I just want to reiterate that point: these are real questions that were taken verbatim from the greatest site on the Internet, Facts On Farts. I strongly urge everybody to check that site out.)
"Why does it take 13 to 20 seconds for a fart to smell?"
That is a strangely specific question, one that conjures the image of somebody else asking "What in God's name did you have for lunch today, and why do you keep pulling out that stopwatch?"
"Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?"
Wow, never before in the history of mankind has a fartknocker been referred to as a "talented person". I'm sorry, but this question is retarded.
"Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?"
Honestly - do you really need to ask what could be causing the brown spots in your underpants? As an aside, when I was growing up, we used to call those types of farts "stainers".
"How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?"
You use the personal pronoun "we" in this question, which I choose to believe means one of two things:
1. That you are not alone in wondering about this - that you and at least one other person that you know have pondered and discussed this, and concluded that it required further investigation on the Internet. Or,
2. That you are using "we" here to try and implicate the rest of us as fellow chronic pants-shitters.
"Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?"
Never mind the countless questions about the "later use" of farts - I would just like to point out that the posted answer to this particular question recommends using a bag instead of a jar, thereby moving this from hypothetical territory and onto my to-do list for this weekend.
"Is it possible for a fart to rip your underwear?"
I believe that the following was edited from the end of that question: "...because Lord knows that I keep trying, but all I wind up with is mysterious brown spots in my underpants."
God, I love the Internet so much. I don't even care about fixing my diet any more. Check out Facts On Farts.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Transparent Resolutions
It is always pretty obvious when a person's New Year's resolutions include trying to be nicer or friendlier to people that they find difficult - it can normally be associated with the early-January phenomenon of having people at work randomly come to my cubicle and attempt to engage me in casual conversation for no reason. I can go eleven months without exchanging more than two words to most of my coworkers - totally ignored - only to find in the days following New Years that a handful of them will suddenly start asking me about how my Christmas holidays were.
This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.
So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.
The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.
I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.
This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.
So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.
The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.
I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Lost Time
It was an interesting commute into the office this morning; a whole lot of reluctant-looking people were crammed onto the subway, each decked out in new clothes, listening to new iPods, and reading new books or magazines. One of the few things to distract from the bleak reality that the holidays are over and that there is little to look forward to in the coming weeks, was the show of all the shiny new Christmas presents in action... oh, and the big nerd who wasn't paying attention when the train stopped quite suddenly and who consequently fell on top of two completely surprised middle-aged women. Getting cursed-out by a pair of Martha Stewart look-alikes at 8am in front of 60 complete strangers is an awesome way to start a day/week/year.
Anyway, I figure that this is a good opportunity to catch up on all the things that have been going on during the five months that I wasn't updating the ole' blogerino. When we left off, I was working too much and had just seen The Dark Knight for the first time. I ended up checking out The Dark Knight twice more in theatres, which was pretty awesome, but it did lead to a rather awkward conversation at work where a number of people felt compelled to share their opinions on the issue of whether or not it is weird to always go to the movies alone. Apparently it is.
At work, the project that had been keeping me so busy came to a rather abrupt conclusion mid-August, and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. So I cashed-in some of my overtime and took three weeks of holiday, the highlight of which was the purchase of GTA IV and Skate for XBox and the low point was a drunken shouting match at the 7-Eleven when the poor bastard working there wouldn't let me use my TTC transit pass to pay for some Doritos at 3am on a Tuesday (I thought it was my bank card, for some reason). Somehow I suspect that the high points/low points of my vacations are a little different from those of normal people.
Autumn arrived, and I got pretty excited about Halloween this year. I bought a bunch of decorations, including a big skeleton that I call Chad and a huge skull with eyes that light-up. Both are still up in my living room (albeit now beneath about 50 feet worth of Christmas lights), and will doubtlessly help me to get laid in 2009.
Winter started, and with it came Christmas, which was spent at my parents' house - a place where time loses all meaning and is probably worth a whole blog post on its own. No doubt that will keep people constantly hitting that Refresh button in their browser for new updates!
And that pretty much brings us to the present. I hope this post doesn't come across as being too negative, because - to be completely honest - I feel really good right now and I am excited for 2009. I guess that being optimistic must be related to being oblivious, because I think I am a little bit of both. And that is fine by me, if it keeps me happy and/or sane.
Anyway, I figure that this is a good opportunity to catch up on all the things that have been going on during the five months that I wasn't updating the ole' blogerino. When we left off, I was working too much and had just seen The Dark Knight for the first time. I ended up checking out The Dark Knight twice more in theatres, which was pretty awesome, but it did lead to a rather awkward conversation at work where a number of people felt compelled to share their opinions on the issue of whether or not it is weird to always go to the movies alone. Apparently it is.
At work, the project that had been keeping me so busy came to a rather abrupt conclusion mid-August, and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. So I cashed-in some of my overtime and took three weeks of holiday, the highlight of which was the purchase of GTA IV and Skate for XBox and the low point was a drunken shouting match at the 7-Eleven when the poor bastard working there wouldn't let me use my TTC transit pass to pay for some Doritos at 3am on a Tuesday (I thought it was my bank card, for some reason). Somehow I suspect that the high points/low points of my vacations are a little different from those of normal people.
Autumn arrived, and I got pretty excited about Halloween this year. I bought a bunch of decorations, including a big skeleton that I call Chad and a huge skull with eyes that light-up. Both are still up in my living room (albeit now beneath about 50 feet worth of Christmas lights), and will doubtlessly help me to get laid in 2009.
Winter started, and with it came Christmas, which was spent at my parents' house - a place where time loses all meaning and is probably worth a whole blog post on its own. No doubt that will keep people constantly hitting that Refresh button in their browser for new updates!
And that pretty much brings us to the present. I hope this post doesn't come across as being too negative, because - to be completely honest - I feel really good right now and I am excited for 2009. I guess that being optimistic must be related to being oblivious, because I think I am a little bit of both. And that is fine by me, if it keeps me happy and/or sane.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Drunken Friday Night Post, 2009 Edition
New Year's Eve was a couple nights ago, and I feel like it has come and gone in much the same way as the new GnR album - a lot of head-scratching and murmured wondering about what all the fuss was about.
All the people on the evening news seemed to be feigning excitement about something, and all of my coworkers seemed to be pretty concerned with having plans to celebrate something, but I'm not really clear on what everybody was so excited for. Personally, I wound up spending New Year's Eve playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and drinking enough Finlandia to knock me out well before the ball even dropped. (I woke up at about 4am to the drone of a television test-pattern - I didn't even know that they still have those!). It was pretty much just a regular Wednesday night for me.
Remember New Year's Eve back during the switch from 1999 to 2000? Now that was one for the books. Everybody was convinced that the world was going to destroy itself. All night, the news reports kept checking in on the places that were in earlier timezones to make sure that they were still there. And for once it wasn't such a big deal to have no party to go to, because half of the planet was camped out in their basements with their cases of bottled water. I think that was my favorite New Year's ever.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year, New Resolutions
I resolve for the year of two thousand and nine to start updating this thing again. And to finally realize my dream of making a citizen's arrest.
The fact that I apparently abandoned this blog five months ago is one of my biggest regrets of 2008, and considering my many unfortunate social missteps from the past year, that is really saying something. I honestly can't believe that I haven't updated since July.
Despite the fact that everything I have ever posted here has been kind of dumb, I find the idea of maintaining a blog incredibly compelling. If there is anything that might be of use to me, it is a positive creative outlet to help me deal with the perpetual jumbo-sized frustration that is my life. Two minutes in bed with a naked lady would probably also do wonders, but I work with what I got. And what I got is a blog. A blog that will be updated more in 2009.
Happy New Year.
The fact that I apparently abandoned this blog five months ago is one of my biggest regrets of 2008, and considering my many unfortunate social missteps from the past year, that is really saying something. I honestly can't believe that I haven't updated since July.
Despite the fact that everything I have ever posted here has been kind of dumb, I find the idea of maintaining a blog incredibly compelling. If there is anything that might be of use to me, it is a positive creative outlet to help me deal with the perpetual jumbo-sized frustration that is my life. Two minutes in bed with a naked lady would probably also do wonders, but I work with what I got. And what I got is a blog. A blog that will be updated more in 2009.
Happy New Year.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Dark Knight
I have been completely swamped at work lately. I'm beginning to wonder whether the company that I work for is trying to kill me by giving me too much to do and not enough time to sleep or play PSP. If it weren't for the fact that my office is air-conditioned and that being at work keeps me out of that that friggin' summer heat, I'd probably lose it and finally speak my mind to one of those people on the subway that insists on standing in front of the doors. Beware, exit-blocking commuters of Toronto, I could snap at any time...
So to unwind a little and take a break from it all, I went and saw the late showing of The Dark Knight yesterday evening. I had watched my Batman Begins DVD last week to get back in the swing of it all, and was a little alarmed by the fact that the movie didn't seem quite as awesome as I had remembered. Don't get me wrong - it's a great movie - but I couldn't help noticing a few corny lines and Christian Bales' strangely raspy voice with this most recent viewing. In addition, the hype surrounding the new movie is enough to turn anybody off, so I really wasn't sure what to expect.
That said, The Dark Knight was insanely fucking good. I was totally blown away, much like everybody else in the packed theatre, as evidenced by the ovation that erupted when the closing credits rolled. Granted, it was the late show on a Monday, so most of the people there were probably stoned and about 15 years old, but they meant all their clapping and hooting, and I think that kind of response really counts for something.
Anyway, I'm probably going to check it out in IMAX later this week and I can't wait. I just need to make it through the next few days and all the work, work, work, work, work.
So to unwind a little and take a break from it all, I went and saw the late showing of The Dark Knight yesterday evening. I had watched my Batman Begins DVD last week to get back in the swing of it all, and was a little alarmed by the fact that the movie didn't seem quite as awesome as I had remembered. Don't get me wrong - it's a great movie - but I couldn't help noticing a few corny lines and Christian Bales' strangely raspy voice with this most recent viewing. In addition, the hype surrounding the new movie is enough to turn anybody off, so I really wasn't sure what to expect.
That said, The Dark Knight was insanely fucking good. I was totally blown away, much like everybody else in the packed theatre, as evidenced by the ovation that erupted when the closing credits rolled. Granted, it was the late show on a Monday, so most of the people there were probably stoned and about 15 years old, but they meant all their clapping and hooting, and I think that kind of response really counts for something.
Anyway, I'm probably going to check it out in IMAX later this week and I can't wait. I just need to make it through the next few days and all the work, work, work, work, work.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
What I Like About Summer (cont'd)
I should probably point out that I haven't always hated summer - back when I was in middle school, summers were pretty awesome. With both parents at work all day, my time was largely my own to waste as I saw fit. Honestly, it was probably the most freedom I will ever experience in my life.
Over the course of eight weeks, I would slowly adopt a schedule that was completely opposite to that of the regular school year, where I would sleep most of the day away, have breakfast with my parents when they got home for dinner, and then stay up all night downloading pirated software from local BBSs and watching whatever late night movies were on cable TV. Sounds heavenly, doesn't it? If I could do anything with my life, that would probably be it.
I would sometimes go days without seeing the sun or stepping outside or even leaving the basement. And I know how lame that is - honestly, I know it's sad. But the fact that it was invariably the best two months out of the entire year is a testament to just how much of a struggle life can be for a fledgling nerd.
Before there were girls or sweat-stains to complicate things, summer was a time of year that ruled.
Over the course of eight weeks, I would slowly adopt a schedule that was completely opposite to that of the regular school year, where I would sleep most of the day away, have breakfast with my parents when they got home for dinner, and then stay up all night downloading pirated software from local BBSs and watching whatever late night movies were on cable TV. Sounds heavenly, doesn't it? If I could do anything with my life, that would probably be it.
I would sometimes go days without seeing the sun or stepping outside or even leaving the basement. And I know how lame that is - honestly, I know it's sad. But the fact that it was invariably the best two months out of the entire year is a testament to just how much of a struggle life can be for a fledgling nerd.
Before there were girls or sweat-stains to complicate things, summer was a time of year that ruled.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
What I Don't Like About Summer
There are a number of things about summer that make it my least favorite time of year, but my biggest issue is an extension of the fact that it is so damn hot all the time; namely that I sweat like a motherfucker. Some people might read that last sentence and roll their eyes and go, "Everybody sweats... so what?", but those people haven't read that sentence properly - see, I sweat like a motherfucker.
I'm that sad bastard you see on the street who is wheezing and red-faced and ready to pass out, and who is literally leaving a trail of sweat on the sidewalk behind him. While most people would consider sweat-stains to be the damp spots on their shirts under their arms, I have to contend with my entire shirt being dripping wet after about two and a half minutes in the sun. I will leave my apartment in a light blue shirt, only to return in one that looks... navy.
My sweat stains defy any sense of logic. They emanate out from every seam with tendrils that slowly reach across my clothes to become intertwined until there is nothing left but a big virgin in a gross sweaty outfit. Not only do I have huge sweat stains under my pits (that's for amateurs), I get stains that start out around my waist. And stains that drip down from the neck of my shirt. And if I'm wearing my backpack (I'm always wearing my backpack), I immediately get stains under the straps and all down my back. It is seriously disgusting.
When it comes to attracting a female, I've got enough of a handicap without being all gross and sweaty. Making matters worse is that whole issue of girls being so appealing in those sun-dresses that I mentioned last time. So yeah, summer is a little bit of hell.
I'm that sad bastard you see on the street who is wheezing and red-faced and ready to pass out, and who is literally leaving a trail of sweat on the sidewalk behind him. While most people would consider sweat-stains to be the damp spots on their shirts under their arms, I have to contend with my entire shirt being dripping wet after about two and a half minutes in the sun. I will leave my apartment in a light blue shirt, only to return in one that looks... navy.
My sweat stains defy any sense of logic. They emanate out from every seam with tendrils that slowly reach across my clothes to become intertwined until there is nothing left but a big virgin in a gross sweaty outfit. Not only do I have huge sweat stains under my pits (that's for amateurs), I get stains that start out around my waist. And stains that drip down from the neck of my shirt. And if I'm wearing my backpack (I'm always wearing my backpack), I immediately get stains under the straps and all down my back. It is seriously disgusting.
When it comes to attracting a female, I've got enough of a handicap without being all gross and sweaty. Making matters worse is that whole issue of girls being so appealing in those sun-dresses that I mentioned last time. So yeah, summer is a little bit of hell.
Monday, July 14, 2008
What I Like About Summer
Between the fact that the office water-cooler talk seems to revolve completely around stupid stuff like golf these days and the fact that it is hot as crap outside, there is really no denying that summer is is in full effect. And the truth of the matter is, I kind of hate summer.
This is the time of year where it is perpetually hot and gross, and where the sun always getting in my eyes and making me sneeze. This is the time of year that is closely associated with doing things and sports and being outdoors - three things that have always ended poorly for me (seriously, if it weren't for the LCBO and electronics surplus stores, I'd never do anything or ever leave my apartment). But while I might hate summer, I also hate complainers and hypocrites (that's meant to be a joke), and so I figured that I'd try to put a positive spin on everything and talk about what it is that I actually like about this god-forsaken time of year.
And there's really only one thing that I like about summer. Girls in summer dresses. Ironically, it turns out that I like that aspect of the season quite a lot.
This is the time of year where it is perpetually hot and gross, and where the sun always getting in my eyes and making me sneeze. This is the time of year that is closely associated with doing things and sports and being outdoors - three things that have always ended poorly for me (seriously, if it weren't for the LCBO and electronics surplus stores, I'd never do anything or ever leave my apartment). But while I might hate summer, I also hate complainers and hypocrites (that's meant to be a joke), and so I figured that I'd try to put a positive spin on everything and talk about what it is that I actually like about this god-forsaken time of year.
And there's really only one thing that I like about summer. Girls in summer dresses. Ironically, it turns out that I like that aspect of the season quite a lot.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Dogs Have No Need to Be Hauling Around Anything That Can't Be Carried In Their Mouths
On a topic similar to yesterday's post, did you know that there are backpacks for dogs? Check it out:
Man, people are so lazy.
Man, people are so lazy.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The Contents Of My Backpack
An important part of my "look" is the black backpack that I wear literally everywhere that I go (seriously, I feel naked if I leave my apartment without it). I've owned it for longer than I can remember, and now that I think about it, it's probably more the equivalent of an adult security-blanket than anything else. Since it comes with me everywhere, a coworker asked me yesterday what it is that I feel I need to be carrying around all the time.
So for inventory and posterity, here is a list of all the stuff that can be found in my backpack:
-umbrella
(in case it rains; this is always in there, even in the winter)
-hooded sweatshirt
(in case I need a hoodie; no joke, the same sweater has been in there since the late 90s and has only ever been taken out to be worn or washed)
-book
(currently reading The Amber Spyglass, by Philip Pullman)
-keys to my parent's house
(don't know why I carry these around; they live in another city)
-spare change
(not sure how this ends up in there, but it always does)
-a variety of pens and markers
(half of them don't work)
-a collection of old paystubs
(don't know what to do with these)
-a couple years' worth of old subway passes
(I hold onto them for tax purposes)
-an inflatable love-doll
(not really - just checking to see if you're paying attention)
-random CDRs containing an assortment of MP3s and files
(I never seem to label the discs that I burn, so I have no idea what's on half of these)
-allergy medication
(probably expired)
-lip balm
(don't leave home without it)
-a few USB drives
(more MP3s and files)
-instruction manual for Final Fantasy Crisis Core
(I'm a little surprised to find this in here, actually - I've been looking all over for it)
-big old earmuff-type headphones
(they look retarded, but they've got good sound)
-what appears to be a number of old receipts
(the writing is faded, so I don't know what they are for)
-several half-empty packs of gum
(these are really, really old; don't ever ask me for gum)
-a sock
(I hope it's mine, I don't recognize it)
...the irony of course being that now that I have emptied all this junk onto my desk there is no way that I'm going to be able to cram it all back in.
So for inventory and posterity, here is a list of all the stuff that can be found in my backpack:
-umbrella
(in case it rains; this is always in there, even in the winter)
-hooded sweatshirt
(in case I need a hoodie; no joke, the same sweater has been in there since the late 90s and has only ever been taken out to be worn or washed)
-book
(currently reading The Amber Spyglass, by Philip Pullman)
-keys to my parent's house
(don't know why I carry these around; they live in another city)
-spare change
(not sure how this ends up in there, but it always does)
-a variety of pens and markers
(half of them don't work)
-a collection of old paystubs
(don't know what to do with these)
-a couple years' worth of old subway passes
(I hold onto them for tax purposes)
-an inflatable love-doll
(not really - just checking to see if you're paying attention)
-random CDRs containing an assortment of MP3s and files
(I never seem to label the discs that I burn, so I have no idea what's on half of these)
-allergy medication
(probably expired)
-lip balm
(don't leave home without it)
-a few USB drives
(more MP3s and files)
-instruction manual for Final Fantasy Crisis Core
(I'm a little surprised to find this in here, actually - I've been looking all over for it)
-big old earmuff-type headphones
(they look retarded, but they've got good sound)
-what appears to be a number of old receipts
(the writing is faded, so I don't know what they are for)
-several half-empty packs of gum
(these are really, really old; don't ever ask me for gum)
-a sock
(I hope it's mine, I don't recognize it)
...the irony of course being that now that I have emptied all this junk onto my desk there is no way that I'm going to be able to cram it all back in.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
What's The Deal With The Timestamps On This Thing?
Hey, does anybody know what the deal is with the timestamps that Blogger adds to these posts? They're always a few hours off. Like my Friday night posts, for example - I'm using not that drunk until way later than 6pm or whatever.
I figure it must be some sort of time-zone setting in my profile or something, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how to set it properly. If anybody knows, please enlighten.
I figure it must be some sort of time-zone setting in my profile or something, but I'll be damned if I can figure out how to set it properly. If anybody knows, please enlighten.
Monday, July 7, 2008
My New Cubicle Neighbor
We have a new summer co-op student at work that started last week, and she was given the desk in the (formerly) vacant cubicle that is adjacent to mine. Since I've had this corner of the office all to myself for the past few months, it has been a bit of an adjustment having a new cube neighbor... well, it's an adjustment for me at least (You see, I'm not entirely convinced that she's aware that there's somebody on the other side of her cubicle wall - as I've mentioned before, I'm a pretty quiet guy and so I'm pretty sure that she doesn't realize that I'm there. At some point in the weeks to come I'll probably scare the shit out of her when I cough or something, introducing another layer of awkwardness into the magnificent tapestry of gawkiness that is my presence in the office.)
One thing that I find curious is how she seems to spend a significant amount of her day looking up ex-boyfriends online. At least, that is what I assume she is doing based on the accompanying narration, which feels like it is perpetually being whispered under her breath: Click-click "He got engaged? To that bitch?" click-click "That bastard never took me to Aruba" click-click "Looks like somebody hasn't been working out much lately" click-click "Ugh, what an asshole" click-click...
I don't really like her because she's kind of annoying and because she embodies the generation gap that somehow divides me from people who are at most only a couple of years younger than I am, but I do find myself in awe of how she manages to be so perky and lively, and yet so jaded and spiteful. And either she has a lot of former boyfriends, or else she is Facebook-stalking a guy who manages to update his profile a few times every minute and who I probably wouldn't care for very much either.
Welcome to the cube farm.
One thing that I find curious is how she seems to spend a significant amount of her day looking up ex-boyfriends online. At least, that is what I assume she is doing based on the accompanying narration, which feels like it is perpetually being whispered under her breath: Click-click "He got engaged? To that bitch?" click-click "That bastard never took me to Aruba" click-click "Looks like somebody hasn't been working out much lately" click-click "Ugh, what an asshole" click-click...
I don't really like her because she's kind of annoying and because she embodies the generation gap that somehow divides me from people who are at most only a couple of years younger than I am, but I do find myself in awe of how she manages to be so perky and lively, and yet so jaded and spiteful. And either she has a lot of former boyfriends, or else she is Facebook-stalking a guy who manages to update his profile a few times every minute and who I probably wouldn't care for very much either.
Welcome to the cube farm.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Drunken Friday Night Post, Part III
My neighborhood consists largely of big houses that were probably pretty nice at one time, but have since been divided up into apartments (it also seems to consist largely of crackheads wandering the streets aimlessly, but that's another story for another time). Anyway, as I write this, some people that live in the house next door to me are having a huge-huge-huge party. It's awesome. For the past hour or so I've been sitting here in the dark under my kitchen window drinking Smirnoff and listening to the drunken chatter of all the smokers on the porch next door.
What I am doing may seem sad and even a little creepy, but they've got a pretty good party going and this is honestly the closest I can realistically expect to get to big house parties. Even if I were ever invited to something like that (a pretty big if), I'd never have the balls to go. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable that being in a big group of people, especially if that group may potentially include former asshole high school jocks. And the truth is, I'm having more fun than I'd care to admit sitting here enjoying some drinks while listening to their music and laughing at their jokes.
I'll probably get bored in a while, or my upstairs neighbor will probably call the cops, but for the time being this is a great Friday night.
What I am doing may seem sad and even a little creepy, but they've got a pretty good party going and this is honestly the closest I can realistically expect to get to big house parties. Even if I were ever invited to something like that (a pretty big if), I'd never have the balls to go. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable that being in a big group of people, especially if that group may potentially include former asshole high school jocks. And the truth is, I'm having more fun than I'd care to admit sitting here enjoying some drinks while listening to their music and laughing at their jokes.
I'll probably get bored in a while, or my upstairs neighbor will probably call the cops, but for the time being this is a great Friday night.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
A Chronological List Of All The People That I've Talked To Today
Here's a chronological list of literally all the people that I've spoken to throughout the course of my day:
1. Subway Collector
Re: Subway Fare
2. Guy On Phone
Re: Is Peter there? (wrong number)
3. Chinese Food Lady
Re: One lunch special, please.
4. Guy On Elevator
Re: Hold the door!
5. Landlady
Re: July rent
And today was actually a pretty big day for me. I mean, Tuesday was a holiday (Canada Day) and I didn't leave my apartment or talk to a single living individual the entire day. I'm just saying.
1. Subway Collector
Re: Subway Fare
2. Guy On Phone
Re: Is Peter there? (wrong number)
3. Chinese Food Lady
Re: One lunch special, please.
4. Guy On Elevator
Re: Hold the door!
5. Landlady
Re: July rent
And today was actually a pretty big day for me. I mean, Tuesday was a holiday (Canada Day) and I didn't leave my apartment or talk to a single living individual the entire day. I'm just saying.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
My Brief Foray Into Politics
I was voted in as the student council representative for my class back in grade 7. Sounds more impressive than it actually was; I was sick at home on the day that the person was supposed to be chosen by the class, and so I suspect that I won as some sort of joke played on the keener that actually wanted the job by a class that had little interest in student politics or school spirit. Imagine my surprise to return the next day and find out that I had won the election for something that I hadn't even known about. Never having been voted for anything before, I was like... pretty surprised.
I was a terrible student council rep. The job only involved having to attend meetings every few weeks and then make sure that my fellow classmates were aware of the stupid activities that were perpetually being organized, and I managed to fail spectacularly at these no-brainer responsibilities. It wasn't that I didn't want to do a good job, or that I didn't try, but I was such a space-cadet that I was completely unable to find any of the meetings in question. I had an aptitude for showing up to the wrong room on the wrong day at the wrong time, and then sitting there quietly for half an hour wondering where everybody was. And as for the whole issue of ensuring that my classmates were aware of all the Hawaiian Shirt Days and Hot Dog Lunches, my whole MO back then was to remain as inconspicuous and invisible as possible, so there was little chance that I was ever going to get up in front of all my classmates and feign interest in a bunch of retarded activities that nobody in their right minds cared about.
After I managed to miss the meeting where the student council gave shit to the kids that kept missing meetings, my homeroom teacher got mad and and assigned another kid to be co-rep and "help" with the responsibilities. And that was essentially the beginning of the end of my brief foray into politics.
I don't know why I'm talking about this. I haven't thought about this stuff in years.
I was a terrible student council rep. The job only involved having to attend meetings every few weeks and then make sure that my fellow classmates were aware of the stupid activities that were perpetually being organized, and I managed to fail spectacularly at these no-brainer responsibilities. It wasn't that I didn't want to do a good job, or that I didn't try, but I was such a space-cadet that I was completely unable to find any of the meetings in question. I had an aptitude for showing up to the wrong room on the wrong day at the wrong time, and then sitting there quietly for half an hour wondering where everybody was. And as for the whole issue of ensuring that my classmates were aware of all the Hawaiian Shirt Days and Hot Dog Lunches, my whole MO back then was to remain as inconspicuous and invisible as possible, so there was little chance that I was ever going to get up in front of all my classmates and feign interest in a bunch of retarded activities that nobody in their right minds cared about.
After I managed to miss the meeting where the student council gave shit to the kids that kept missing meetings, my homeroom teacher got mad and and assigned another kid to be co-rep and "help" with the responsibilities. And that was essentially the beginning of the end of my brief foray into politics.
I don't know why I'm talking about this. I haven't thought about this stuff in years.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Pass The Kleenex
I think that I had a stuffy nose for the entire time that I was in high school. Seriously. The total number of days where I was able to breathe through my nostrils is most likely equal to the total number of girls that I have ever made-out with in the backseat of my parent's station wagon (read: zero). And that's not just a random comparison; I'm thinking that those two things are far more closely related than I ever could have imagined at the time.
It's a tough realization to deal with, but the fact is, I was pretty gross back in high school. Snot, bleedy noses, braces, zits... you name it - take any sort of teenage social handicap that you can think of, and I was most likely afflicted with it to some varying degree. I'm okay with it now, because acceptance is a big step on the road to recovery... or in my case, becoming less gross. The next step is to curb my dependency on lip balm.
It's a tough realization to deal with, but the fact is, I was pretty gross back in high school. Snot, bleedy noses, braces, zits... you name it - take any sort of teenage social handicap that you can think of, and I was most likely afflicted with it to some varying degree. I'm okay with it now, because acceptance is a big step on the road to recovery... or in my case, becoming less gross. The next step is to curb my dependency on lip balm.
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