Transparent Resolutions

It is always pretty obvious when a person's New Year's resolutions include trying to be nicer or friendlier to people that they find difficult - it can normally be associated with the early-January phenomenon of having people at work randomly come to my cubicle and attempt to engage me in casual conversation for no reason. I can go eleven months without exchanging more than two words to most of my coworkers - totally ignored - only to find in the days following New Years that a handful of them will suddenly start asking me about how my Christmas holidays were.

This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.

So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.

The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.

I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.

Lost Time

It was an interesting commute into the office this morning; a whole lot of reluctant-looking people were crammed onto the subway, each decked out in new clothes, listening to new iPods, and reading new books or magazines. One of the few things to distract from the bleak reality that the holidays are over and that there is little to look forward to in the coming weeks, was the show of all the shiny new Christmas presents in action... oh, and the big nerd who wasn't paying attention when the train stopped quite suddenly and who consequently fell on top of two completely surprised middle-aged women. Getting cursed-out by a pair of Martha Stewart look-alikes at 8am in front of 60 complete strangers is an awesome way to start a day/week/year.

Anyway, I figure that this is a good opportunity to catch up on all the things that have been going on during the five months that I wasn't updating the ole' blogerino. When we left off, I was working too much and had just seen The Dark Knight for the first time. I ended up checking out The Dark Knight twice more in theatres, which was pretty awesome, but it did lead to a rather awkward conversation at work where a number of people felt compelled to share their opinions on the issue of whether or not it is weird to always go to the movies alone. Apparently it is.

At work, the project that had been keeping me so busy came to a rather abrupt conclusion mid-August, and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. So I cashed-in some of my overtime and took three weeks of holiday, the highlight of which was the purchase of GTA IV and Skate for XBox and the low point was a drunken shouting match at the 7-Eleven when the poor bastard working there wouldn't let me use my TTC transit pass to pay for some Doritos at 3am on a Tuesday (I thought it was my bank card, for some reason). Somehow I suspect that the high points/low points of my vacations are a little different from those of normal people.

Autumn arrived, and I got pretty excited about Halloween this year. I bought a bunch of decorations, including a big skeleton that I call Chad and a huge skull with eyes that light-up. Both are still up in my living room (albeit now beneath about 50 feet worth of Christmas lights), and will doubtlessly help me to get laid in 2009.

Winter started, and with it came Christmas, which was spent at my parents' house - a place where time loses all meaning and is probably worth a whole blog post on its own. No doubt that will keep people constantly hitting that Refresh button in their browser for new updates!

And that pretty much brings us to the present. I hope this post doesn't come across as being too negative, because - to be completely honest - I feel really good right now and I am excited for 2009. I guess that being optimistic must be related to being oblivious, because I think I am a little bit of both. And that is fine by me, if it keeps me happy and/or sane.

Drunken Friday Night Post, 2009 Edition

New Year's Eve was a couple nights ago, and I feel like it has come and gone in much the same way as the new GnR album - a lot of head-scratching and murmured wondering about what all the fuss was about.

All the people on the evening news seemed to be feigning excitement about something, and all of my coworkers seemed to be pretty concerned with having plans to celebrate something, but I'm not really clear on what everybody was so excited for. Personally, I wound up spending New Year's Eve playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and drinking enough Finlandia to knock me out well before the ball even dropped. (I woke up at about 4am to the drone of a television test-pattern - I didn't even know that they still have those!). It was pretty much just a regular Wednesday night for me.

Remember New Year's Eve back during the switch from 1999 to 2000? Now that was one for the books. Everybody was convinced that the world was going to destroy itself. All night, the news reports kept checking in on the places that were in earlier timezones to make sure that they were still there. And for once it wasn't such a big deal to have no party to go to, because half of the planet was camped out in their basements with their cases of bottled water. I think that was my favorite New Year's ever.

New Year, New Resolutions

I resolve for the year of two thousand and nine to start updating this thing again. And to finally realize my dream of making a citizen's arrest.

The fact that I apparently abandoned this blog five months ago is one of my biggest regrets of 2008, and considering my many unfortunate social missteps from the past year, that is really saying something. I honestly can't believe that I haven't updated since July.

Despite the fact that everything I have ever posted here has been kind of dumb, I find the idea of maintaining a blog incredibly compelling. If there is anything that might be of use to me, it is a positive creative outlet to help me deal with the perpetual jumbo-sized frustration that is my life. Two minutes in bed with a naked lady would probably also do wonders, but I work with what I got. And what I got is a blog. A blog that will be updated more in 2009.

Happy New Year.

The Dark Knight

I have been completely swamped at work lately. I'm beginning to wonder whether the company that I work for is trying to kill me by giving me too much to do and not enough time to sleep or play PSP. If it weren't for the fact that my office is air-conditioned and that being at work keeps me out of that that friggin' summer heat, I'd probably lose it and finally speak my mind to one of those people on the subway that insists on standing in front of the doors. Beware, exit-blocking commuters of Toronto, I could snap at any time...

So to unwind a little and take a break from it all, I went and saw the late showing of The Dark Knight yesterday evening. I had watched my Batman Begins DVD last week to get back in the swing of it all, and was a little alarmed by the fact that the movie didn't seem quite as awesome as I had remembered. Don't get me wrong - it's a great movie - but I couldn't help noticing a few corny lines and Christian Bales' strangely raspy voice with this most recent viewing. In addition, the hype surrounding the new movie is enough to turn anybody off, so I really wasn't sure what to expect.

That said, The Dark Knight was insanely fucking good. I was totally blown away, much like everybody else in the packed theatre, as evidenced by the ovation that erupted when the closing credits rolled. Granted, it was the late show on a Monday, so most of the people there were probably stoned and about 15 years old, but they meant all their clapping and hooting, and I think that kind of response really counts for something.

Anyway, I'm probably going to check it out in IMAX later this week and I can't wait. I just need to make it through the next few days and all the work, work, work, work, work.

What I Like About Summer (cont'd)

I should probably point out that I haven't always hated summer - back when I was in middle school, summers were pretty awesome. With both parents at work all day, my time was largely my own to waste as I saw fit. Honestly, it was probably the most freedom I will ever experience in my life.

Over the course of eight weeks, I would slowly adopt a schedule that was completely opposite to that of the regular school year, where I would sleep most of the day away, have breakfast with my parents when they got home for dinner, and then stay up all night downloading pirated software from local BBSs and watching whatever late night movies were on cable TV. Sounds heavenly, doesn't it? If I could do anything with my life, that would probably be it.

I would sometimes go days without seeing the sun or stepping outside or even leaving the basement. And I know how lame that is - honestly, I know it's sad. But the fact that it was invariably the best two months out of the entire year is a testament to just how much of a struggle life can be for a fledgling nerd.

Before there were girls or sweat-stains to complicate things, summer was a time of year that ruled.

What I Don't Like About Summer

There are a number of things about summer that make it my least favorite time of year, but my biggest issue is an extension of the fact that it is so damn hot all the time; namely that I sweat like a motherfucker. Some people might read that last sentence and roll their eyes and go, "Everybody sweats... so what?", but those people haven't read that sentence properly - see, I sweat like a motherfucker.

I'm that sad bastard you see on the street who is wheezing and red-faced and ready to pass out, and who is literally leaving a trail of sweat on the sidewalk behind him. While most people would consider sweat-stains to be the damp spots on their shirts under their arms, I have to contend with my entire shirt being dripping wet after about two and a half minutes in the sun. I will leave my apartment in a light blue shirt, only to return in one that looks... navy.

My sweat stains defy any sense of logic. They emanate out from every seam with tendrils that slowly reach across my clothes to become intertwined until there is nothing left but a big virgin in a gross sweaty outfit. Not only do I have huge sweat stains under my pits (that's for amateurs), I get stains that start out around my waist. And stains that drip down from the neck of my shirt. And if I'm wearing my backpack (I'm always wearing my backpack), I immediately get stains under the straps and all down my back. It is seriously disgusting.

When it comes to attracting a female, I've got enough of a handicap without being all gross and sweaty. Making matters worse is that whole issue of girls being so appealing in those sun-dresses that I mentioned last time. So yeah, summer is a little bit of hell.