I would like to preface today's post with two comments: first that I am one of those idiots that totally buys into the whole "new beginnings" and "turning over a new leaf" crap that is associated with the start of a new calendar year. Second, that I fart like nobody's business. I always have, and my father and brother do as well, so it must be the result of something that is buried deep within my genetic makeup. It's fine when the three of us are together, but when I'm around normal people - people who do not have sulphur-spewing aliens living in their lower intestines - it can lead to some pretty awkward situations.
So in the interest of attempting to better myself in 2009, I have recently been trying to figure out if there are any sort of environmental changes that I can introduce into my life to help me to stop farting all the damn time, and in particular I've been wondering whether any adjustments to my diet might make a difference. Naturally I turned to Google for answers, but what I found was not quite what I expected.
The reality is that there do not appear to be many helpful resources on the Internet for persistent farters such as myself. Instead, there is Facts On Farts which, while not particularly useful, is quite possibly the greatest website ever. I like this site so much that I felt compelled to create a little links section over on the right side of the blog, and I'm seriously debating using it to replace x-entertainment.com as the default home page for my web browser.
Facts on Farts is meant to be a compendium of information on the topic of flatulence, where the site's webmaster posts reader-submitted questions and attempts to answer them. Knowing so much about farting from personal experience, I can't help but want to get in on some of this action, and so I have taken a handful of questions from the site and posted them here with my very own answers. (I just want to reiterate that point: these are real questions that were taken verbatim from the greatest site on the Internet, Facts On Farts. I strongly urge everybody to check that site out.)
"Why does it take 13 to 20 seconds for a fart to smell?"
That is a strangely specific question, one that conjures the image of somebody else asking "What in God's name did you have for lunch today, and why do you keep pulling out that stopwatch?"
"Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?"
Wow, never before in the history of mankind has a fartknocker been referred to as a "talented person". I'm sorry, but this question is retarded.
"Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?"
Honestly - do you really need to ask what could be causing the brown spots in your underpants? As an aside, when I was growing up, we used to call those types of farts "stainers".
"How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?"
You use the personal pronoun "we" in this question, which I choose to believe means one of two things:
1. That you are not alone in wondering about this - that you and at least one other person that you know have pondered and discussed this, and concluded that it required further investigation on the Internet. Or,
2. That you are using "we" here to try and implicate the rest of us as fellow chronic pants-shitters.
"Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?"
Never mind the countless questions about the "later use" of farts - I would just like to point out that the posted answer to this particular question recommends using a bag instead of a jar, thereby moving this from hypothetical territory and onto my to-do list for this weekend.
"Is it possible for a fart to rip your underwear?"
I believe that the following was edited from the end of that question: "...because Lord knows that I keep trying, but all I wind up with is mysterious brown spots in my underpants."
God, I love the Internet so much. I don't even care about fixing my diet any more. Check out Facts On Farts.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Transparent Resolutions
It is always pretty obvious when a person's New Year's resolutions include trying to be nicer or friendlier to people that they find difficult - it can normally be associated with the early-January phenomenon of having people at work randomly come to my cubicle and attempt to engage me in casual conversation for no reason. I can go eleven months without exchanging more than two words to most of my coworkers - totally ignored - only to find in the days following New Years that a handful of them will suddenly start asking me about how my Christmas holidays were.
This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.
So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.
The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.
I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.
This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.
So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.
The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.
I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Lost Time
It was an interesting commute into the office this morning; a whole lot of reluctant-looking people were crammed onto the subway, each decked out in new clothes, listening to new iPods, and reading new books or magazines. One of the few things to distract from the bleak reality that the holidays are over and that there is little to look forward to in the coming weeks, was the show of all the shiny new Christmas presents in action... oh, and the big nerd who wasn't paying attention when the train stopped quite suddenly and who consequently fell on top of two completely surprised middle-aged women. Getting cursed-out by a pair of Martha Stewart look-alikes at 8am in front of 60 complete strangers is an awesome way to start a day/week/year.
Anyway, I figure that this is a good opportunity to catch up on all the things that have been going on during the five months that I wasn't updating the ole' blogerino. When we left off, I was working too much and had just seen The Dark Knight for the first time. I ended up checking out The Dark Knight twice more in theatres, which was pretty awesome, but it did lead to a rather awkward conversation at work where a number of people felt compelled to share their opinions on the issue of whether or not it is weird to always go to the movies alone. Apparently it is.
At work, the project that had been keeping me so busy came to a rather abrupt conclusion mid-August, and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. So I cashed-in some of my overtime and took three weeks of holiday, the highlight of which was the purchase of GTA IV and Skate for XBox and the low point was a drunken shouting match at the 7-Eleven when the poor bastard working there wouldn't let me use my TTC transit pass to pay for some Doritos at 3am on a Tuesday (I thought it was my bank card, for some reason). Somehow I suspect that the high points/low points of my vacations are a little different from those of normal people.
Autumn arrived, and I got pretty excited about Halloween this year. I bought a bunch of decorations, including a big skeleton that I call Chad and a huge skull with eyes that light-up. Both are still up in my living room (albeit now beneath about 50 feet worth of Christmas lights), and will doubtlessly help me to get laid in 2009.
Winter started, and with it came Christmas, which was spent at my parents' house - a place where time loses all meaning and is probably worth a whole blog post on its own. No doubt that will keep people constantly hitting that Refresh button in their browser for new updates!
And that pretty much brings us to the present. I hope this post doesn't come across as being too negative, because - to be completely honest - I feel really good right now and I am excited for 2009. I guess that being optimistic must be related to being oblivious, because I think I am a little bit of both. And that is fine by me, if it keeps me happy and/or sane.
Anyway, I figure that this is a good opportunity to catch up on all the things that have been going on during the five months that I wasn't updating the ole' blogerino. When we left off, I was working too much and had just seen The Dark Knight for the first time. I ended up checking out The Dark Knight twice more in theatres, which was pretty awesome, but it did lead to a rather awkward conversation at work where a number of people felt compelled to share their opinions on the issue of whether or not it is weird to always go to the movies alone. Apparently it is.
At work, the project that had been keeping me so busy came to a rather abrupt conclusion mid-August, and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. So I cashed-in some of my overtime and took three weeks of holiday, the highlight of which was the purchase of GTA IV and Skate for XBox and the low point was a drunken shouting match at the 7-Eleven when the poor bastard working there wouldn't let me use my TTC transit pass to pay for some Doritos at 3am on a Tuesday (I thought it was my bank card, for some reason). Somehow I suspect that the high points/low points of my vacations are a little different from those of normal people.
Autumn arrived, and I got pretty excited about Halloween this year. I bought a bunch of decorations, including a big skeleton that I call Chad and a huge skull with eyes that light-up. Both are still up in my living room (albeit now beneath about 50 feet worth of Christmas lights), and will doubtlessly help me to get laid in 2009.
Winter started, and with it came Christmas, which was spent at my parents' house - a place where time loses all meaning and is probably worth a whole blog post on its own. No doubt that will keep people constantly hitting that Refresh button in their browser for new updates!
And that pretty much brings us to the present. I hope this post doesn't come across as being too negative, because - to be completely honest - I feel really good right now and I am excited for 2009. I guess that being optimistic must be related to being oblivious, because I think I am a little bit of both. And that is fine by me, if it keeps me happy and/or sane.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Drunken Friday Night Post, 2009 Edition
New Year's Eve was a couple nights ago, and I feel like it has come and gone in much the same way as the new GnR album - a lot of head-scratching and murmured wondering about what all the fuss was about.
All the people on the evening news seemed to be feigning excitement about something, and all of my coworkers seemed to be pretty concerned with having plans to celebrate something, but I'm not really clear on what everybody was so excited for. Personally, I wound up spending New Year's Eve playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and drinking enough Finlandia to knock me out well before the ball even dropped. (I woke up at about 4am to the drone of a television test-pattern - I didn't even know that they still have those!). It was pretty much just a regular Wednesday night for me.
Remember New Year's Eve back during the switch from 1999 to 2000? Now that was one for the books. Everybody was convinced that the world was going to destroy itself. All night, the news reports kept checking in on the places that were in earlier timezones to make sure that they were still there. And for once it wasn't such a big deal to have no party to go to, because half of the planet was camped out in their basements with their cases of bottled water. I think that was my favorite New Year's ever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
