Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I Have An Irreverent Sense Of Humor
Telling somebody that their humour is irreverent is pretty much the same as saying that it is obvious that they are trying to be funny, and that it is clear that they think that they're funny, but that nobody else on the planet thinks that they're even a tiny bit amusing. It's the same type of passive-aggressive bullshit "compliment" that my mother loves to make.
For example, a coworker was recently talking about how Japan has had to introduce women-only subway cars in order to deal with the issue of how two-thirds of female Japanese subway riders have reported being groped on crowded subway cars. A serious topic, but I thought I'd make a joke: "Wow, riding the subway in Japan sounds awesome!"
In the subsequent meeting with my manager and a lady from the HR department to address allegations that I'd admitted to being a depraved subway groper, I found myself reiterating over and over that I had just been trying to make a joke. And they kept responding that I had an... um, irreverent sense of humor, and that I needed to be more sensitive to others.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm not allowed to be "irreverent" at work anymore, which is total bullshit.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Drunken Friday the 13th Post
Also, I overheard an obnoxious douche-bag that I work with saying that he couldn't be paid enough to go see that trash (in reference to the guys in the costumes promoting the film at Dundas Square, which is just down the street from my office), and that has made me want to see it all the more. It's funny how spite can be so motivational.
I'm thinking that I'll check it out after work on Monday. Tonight is all about drinking big cans of Molson and watching Cloverfield and playing Final Fantasy: Crisis Core.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I Got Caught Picking My Nose
And that's kind of sad - this type of shit happens to me so regularly that I'm becoming completely desensitized to situations where I'm being gross. I have a feeling that my performance review is going to be pretty surreal this year.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Facts On Farts
So in the interest of attempting to better myself in 2009, I have recently been trying to figure out if there are any sort of environmental changes that I can introduce into my life to help me to stop farting all the damn time, and in particular I've been wondering whether any adjustments to my diet might make a difference. Naturally I turned to Google for answers, but what I found was not quite what I expected.
The reality is that there do not appear to be many helpful resources on the Internet for persistent farters such as myself. Instead, there is Facts On Farts which, while not particularly useful, is quite possibly the greatest website ever. I like this site so much that I felt compelled to create a little links section over on the right side of the blog, and I'm seriously debating using it to replace x-entertainment.com as the default home page for my web browser.
Facts on Farts is meant to be a compendium of information on the topic of flatulence, where the site's webmaster posts reader-submitted questions and attempts to answer them. Knowing so much about farting from personal experience, I can't help but want to get in on some of this action, and so I have taken a handful of questions from the site and posted them here with my very own answers. (I just want to reiterate that point: these are real questions that were taken verbatim from the greatest site on the Internet, Facts On Farts. I strongly urge everybody to check that site out.)
"Why does it take 13 to 20 seconds for a fart to smell?"
That is a strangely specific question, one that conjures the image of somebody else asking "What in God's name did you have for lunch today, and why do you keep pulling out that stopwatch?"
"Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence?"
Wow, never before in the history of mankind has a fartknocker been referred to as a "talented person". I'm sorry, but this question is retarded.
"Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it?"
Honestly - do you really need to ask what could be causing the brown spots in your underpants? As an aside, when I was growing up, we used to call those types of farts "stainers".
"How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious?"
You use the personal pronoun "we" in this question, which I choose to believe means one of two things:
1. That you are not alone in wondering about this - that you and at least one other person that you know have pondered and discussed this, and concluded that it required further investigation on the Internet. Or,
2. That you are using "we" here to try and implicate the rest of us as fellow chronic pants-shitters.
"Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?"
Never mind the countless questions about the "later use" of farts - I would just like to point out that the posted answer to this particular question recommends using a bag instead of a jar, thereby moving this from hypothetical territory and onto my to-do list for this weekend.
"Is it possible for a fart to rip your underwear?"
I believe that the following was edited from the end of that question: "...because Lord knows that I keep trying, but all I wind up with is mysterious brown spots in my underpants."
God, I love the Internet so much. I don't even care about fixing my diet any more. Check out Facts On Farts.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Transparent Resolutions
This happened during lunch last Thursday and I handled it pretty suavely, if I do say so myself. Allow me to set the stage: I had just returned to my cubical with a burrito that had to have been the spiciest thing that I have ever tried eating in my entire life. Honestly, the bastard at the burrito place was likely trying to kill me - this shit was so hot, the only explanation is that the secret ingredient was pepper spray. Eating this thing could be likened to having a major allergic reaction; by the time I had taken a few bites, my face was all red and sweaty, my eyes were watering, my nose was running, and my mouth was gaping for air like a displaced fish.
So naturally, it was the perfect opportunity for a guy that I work with to stop by to ask about my stupid friggin’ holidays. I'm sitting there gagging on my lunch and going “hot-hot-hot-hot” under my breath, when I suddenly have the unfamiliar sensation of hearing somebody else's voice in my cubicle.
The guy only made it about halfway through asking how I was doing before his face morphed into an expression of total shock and he started asking what was wrong and if I was okay. Not having had a lot of experience with people stopping by to chat, I tried to play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong, even though I was leaking fluid out of every facial orifice and my head was starting to resemble a large sweaty tomato. The rest of our brief encounter consisted of him asking, "Are you sure you're okay?" and me nodding and dripping and attempting to smile. I probably looked demonic. It was awkward with a capital AWK.
I saw the same guy in the elevator on the way up to our office this morning, but he was too busy staring at the wall and pretending not to notice me to continue with our conversation. Maybe next year.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Lost Time
Anyway, I figure that this is a good opportunity to catch up on all the things that have been going on during the five months that I wasn't updating the ole' blogerino. When we left off, I was working too much and had just seen The Dark Knight for the first time. I ended up checking out The Dark Knight twice more in theatres, which was pretty awesome, but it did lead to a rather awkward conversation at work where a number of people felt compelled to share their opinions on the issue of whether or not it is weird to always go to the movies alone. Apparently it is.
At work, the project that had been keeping me so busy came to a rather abrupt conclusion mid-August, and suddenly I had absolutely nothing to do. So I cashed-in some of my overtime and took three weeks of holiday, the highlight of which was the purchase of GTA IV and Skate for XBox and the low point was a drunken shouting match at the 7-Eleven when the poor bastard working there wouldn't let me use my TTC transit pass to pay for some Doritos at 3am on a Tuesday (I thought it was my bank card, for some reason). Somehow I suspect that the high points/low points of my vacations are a little different from those of normal people.
Autumn arrived, and I got pretty excited about Halloween this year. I bought a bunch of decorations, including a big skeleton that I call Chad and a huge skull with eyes that light-up. Both are still up in my living room (albeit now beneath about 50 feet worth of Christmas lights), and will doubtlessly help me to get laid in 2009.
Winter started, and with it came Christmas, which was spent at my parents' house - a place where time loses all meaning and is probably worth a whole blog post on its own. No doubt that will keep people constantly hitting that Refresh button in their browser for new updates!
And that pretty much brings us to the present. I hope this post doesn't come across as being too negative, because - to be completely honest - I feel really good right now and I am excited for 2009. I guess that being optimistic must be related to being oblivious, because I think I am a little bit of both. And that is fine by me, if it keeps me happy and/or sane.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Drunken Friday Night Post, 2009 Edition
New Year's Eve was a couple nights ago, and I feel like it has come and gone in much the same way as the new GnR album - a lot of head-scratching and murmured wondering about what all the fuss was about.
All the people on the evening news seemed to be feigning excitement about something, and all of my coworkers seemed to be pretty concerned with having plans to celebrate something, but I'm not really clear on what everybody was so excited for. Personally, I wound up spending New Year's Eve playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and drinking enough Finlandia to knock me out well before the ball even dropped. (I woke up at about 4am to the drone of a television test-pattern - I didn't even know that they still have those!). It was pretty much just a regular Wednesday night for me.
Remember New Year's Eve back during the switch from 1999 to 2000? Now that was one for the books. Everybody was convinced that the world was going to destroy itself. All night, the news reports kept checking in on the places that were in earlier timezones to make sure that they were still there. And for once it wasn't such a big deal to have no party to go to, because half of the planet was camped out in their basements with their cases of bottled water. I think that was my favorite New Year's ever.